The Pirate King 2: Straw Hat Boogaloo
by I'mma Genius
Summary: a rehash of canon beginning at the Romance Dawn Arc, no OC's and no ships. I've fiddled with characterizations a bit.


**A/N: please ignore my atrocious grammar and punctuation.**

Chapter One: Romance Dawn Arc

22 years after the death of Gold Roger

"Why is there so much dirt," growled Captain Alvida, sweeping across the deck in wood bending steps. A moving mass of muscle pushing itself up the main deck stairs and onto the forecastle.

Perched above the rest of the boat the little raised dais that looked out onto the waters surrounding the Alvida's hidden little stronghold in East Blue. Manned by a single out of place metallic and vinyl deck chair. Dragged there by a single pirate Heppoko who had beaten himself into attention, standing ramrod straight as far away from the unattended chair as possible.

"Sorry about that Captain Alvida-sama…" He said, as the rest of the cleaning detail gathered below on the main deck. Drawn by the unique sounds of Alvida stomping aboard. Glancing sharply at the small crowd, the unfortunate Heppoko gulped audibly, "I thought I'd already cleaned the whole deck!"

"No Heppoko, they cleaned the whole deck," grunted Alvida,

"Capt –"

But Heppoko was silenced with a swift deft and brutal strike by Alvida's favourite weapon. Collapsing in a slowly expanding pool of blood as Alvida stepped away from the former crewman and down to the main deck.

"Or more accurately Koby spent the entire morning cleaning the main deck," snorted Alvida, "and you spent the entire morning improving your tan."

"Koby," the captain bellowed, "who's the most beautiful woman in all the seas?"

"Eh… Heh, Ehhehhehheh, that would be…" the boy gulped, shivering as the Captain moved her attentions to him. "That'll be you of course Captain Alvida-sama! Eh… Hehehe."

"That's right," the women in question shouted, turning to face the small team of cleaner's that had congregated for Heppoko's death. "Why can't you lot can't you lot work like Koby." She yelled. "He's scarred shitless and he still manages to do more work than all of you combined."

"Ahh… well, that's-" Koby embarrassment was ignored.

"but other than that, your bloody useless!" Alvida shouted, before a smile crept on her face, a happy nausea inducing smile, "now clean my shoes!"

"Yes ma'am, right away ma'am!" stuttered Koby as he grabbed a rag and began the polishing.

Koby beneath her, Alvida brought her momentous neck round to eye the rest of the cleaner's that had escaped her ire. All of them trophies from different crews and ships, civilian, marine and pirate gathered from the Alvida Pirates bouts of cannibalism. A practice that Alvida had grown somewhat fond of, and renowned for.

"Keep cleaning," she shouted, before shooing off Koby, "that's enough for now…" and with a deft swipe sent Koby stumbling bloody in face.

"I…" Koby stuttered, gulping in fear "I'm so sorry."

"if you have time to apologize then go move that barrel to the kitchen's," she growled, jabbing a single finger at two crew member's that had just stumbled aboard carrying a heavy barrel. "it's only apples but the rest of you have to eat something."

"Eh… Heh, Hehehe;" Koby laughed with not a hint of his exhaustion showing, "I'll be on my way Captain Alvida-sama."

The kitchen's where on the other side of the small village, Koby thought taking care to ease the heavy barrel down and onto the gangplank the two pirates had heaved it up and onto. But showing reluctance was a very good way to earn you a bullet from a bored crewmember. There were so many cabin boy's underfoot that the Alvida Pirates made a sport of thinking up reasons to shoot them.

Moving the barrel through Alvida's trophy collection, the shabby rundown little village the trapped inhabitants of Alvida's secret hideaway was an awkward, anger inducing exercise. Traversing of the rough dirt trails and pushing the barrel over the significant number of holes, small rainwater tracks and around puddles an exercise in futility. Moving the barrel through what the inhabitants dubiously called the streets of the village took until the morning sun had risen, rose and finally begun to set on the over side of the sky.

Not a single pirate noticed the food going missing over the next week, gargantuan quantities disappearing from the pantry like a roving mass of starving bandits had moved through the area. While to the cabin boy's and permanent inhabitants in the missing food looked like a glaring hole in the wall just waiting for a pirate to turn his head slightly and notice the great big vacancy where the vegetables should be. Relations between the two factions being what it was, a disastrous train wreck that just kept stubbornly chugging on down the line, that when relations finally did open after a week the mysterious disappearances were spreading to the meat stocks.

Following the revelation that the meat was now going missing quite a bout of unpleasantness transpired on the island, and it was only when long standing members of Alvida's crew realized that no one could actually be punished that anyone actually got round to working out what was to be done about the missing food.

It was around this time that the unfortunate Koby found the source of the disappearing food.

He didn't hear a thing…

Not a thing…

Nothing would distract him from accomplishing…

"Psst~~"

Nothing was going to distract him from…

"Hey!"

"would you go away!" spat Koby, turning to the man crouched behind him in the pantry.

Koby didn't recognize the pirate behind him, grinning with a straw hat on his head, nor thought Koby as the man in question wave cheerfully, could he recall hearing the man enter the pantry. Now mildly irritated at the man, Koby's ire grew as an apple core disappeared down his throat.

Koby hit the man over the head. Only for the pirate to grin, a gleefully silly smile when he did. A grin that split further as the pirate lent forwards, hands cupping in a whisper to ask, "what'chu doing?" in a noisy voice.

"Go away," Koby spat, "I'm counting the amount of food we've got left."

"I see, I see," he said, moving to rummage through a barrel. Dropping an apple into his mouth swallowing it in a gulp and in the same motion pulling another from a barrel next to him.

Which Koby promptly swiped. "And if you continue eating those, I'm going to tell Peppoko that you've been sneaking food!"

"I see, I see, Shishishishi," he said again, this time grabbing a whole bushel of apples in his hands and swallowing them.

Then he chuckled. Chuckling harder as Koby hit him.

"You think that's a joke!" yelled Koby in a whisper, "I'll go straight to Alvida if you don't get out."

"shishishishi~~, So that's the whale's name!"

Koby groaned, a long sorrowful one filled with much pain, he had thought that the pirate was a newer acquisition. No one who snuck food survived for long after they joined. But Koby had just stumbled upon an idea.

"You're the one who's been eating all the food!"

"Shishishishi, yeah that's me," the pirate confessed, "I got marooned here a week ago and I've been hiding out and sneaking food."

Then he made a surprised sound, "but I've been very careful to only eat the vegetables so the whale wouldn't care."

"That whale's liable to smash you're face into red paste if your caught!" Koby spat, grabbing the hand wondering back over to the barrel of apples. "I'm liable to be smashed into paste if I don't tell her!"

"Err, she doesn't look that strong," he shrugged. "I could take her."

"Eh Heh, Eh Heheheheh" Koby groaned, "NO…no, no that'll never work, Alvida's in an entirely different league to normal people," scolded Koby.

And swiped another apple from his fingers.

"Shishishishi~ yeah I could!" laughed the other, and then he smiled. "because I'm going to be the Pirate King!"

It was said quietly, and Koby could tell that despite the outrageous statement a lot of his enthusiasm was stolen by the whisper it was said in. But it still turned Koby's shrill frustration into hearty laughter.

"Eh Heh, Eh Heheheheheheheh!"

"You, King of the Pirates, Eh Heh, Eh Heheh!"

And then Koby was slammed through a basket of tomatoes.

"Argh," Koby groaned, "why'd you hit me!"

"because I couldn't stand you!" the other said, standing up, and his hand on his hat, grin bereft, "I'm not afraid of dying…"

"huh!"

"because that's my dream, and I'm not afraid of dying for it."

"Eh, but, why do you want to be King of the Pirates!" Koby exclaimed, jumping up, "Pirates are stupid, smelly psychopaths'! look at what Alvida's doing, she takes the people from the ship's she sacks!"

"she's gathered up all these people and she's stranded them here in the middle of nowhere so that they'll be her personal slaves!" Koby yelled.

But then the pirate grinned again, slapping a hand over Koby's mouth with a chuckle.

"Shishishishi," he chuckled, "She's a pirate, pirate's can do whatever they want."

"That's horrible, stupid, stupid, is that why you want to be a pirate, such a stupid asinine reason?"

He was punched again.

"Pirates are the freest men in the world, no one to tell them what to do, no stupid laws to tell them how to live. And the pirate King's the freest, strongest best pirate of all," he said, words reverent as he explained, then he hit Koby over the head.

"OW!"

"I don't like you. Aren't you a pirate too?"

"No," Koby spat, "I'm not a pirate, I'm never going to be a pirate. I've been stuck here for two years with the rest of these people after I stumbled across Alvida when I was fishing."

"I want nothing to do with pirates!"

"Err, then why don't you just leave?"

"I tried, I've built three dinghy's! but two of them sunk, and the first got smashed."

"So, you're a wimp then?"

"Idiot's that go around eating Alvida's food shouldn't be so confident."

"but it's true, you've been here for two years, right?" he scratched his head, thinking hard, "so that means you don't really want to leave then?"

"I want to leave, I want to leave and become a Marine," Koby whispered, but without any of the glint the other had when talking of dreams, "but they don't let people who don't want to pirate go on Alvida's Beauty, and besides," he spat with disgust, "I've been a pirate for two years. The Marines won't let me join."

"So, lie," answered the other.

"Err?"

"yeah lie, say you want to go pirating, you haven't done anything but clean for two years right, tell them you want to see what it's like or something and then sneak off."

"but the marines still won't –"

"lie to them as well, just say you were captured, but you escaped, tell them a couple of things that'll help the marines find the island and the marines won't care."

"that won't work! Th crew knows I'm not strong, that I don't like fighting –"

"then I'll just tell them that I bullied you into coming," the other said with a shrug.

"how'll you do that?"

"by bullying you into coming."

Koby scowled.

"the marines still won't let a former pirate join, what happens when they interrogate all those prisoner's I'm going to lead to them."

"err, they still won't care."

"Yes they will!"

"err if you really don't feel confident, I'll write you a letter of, of, reco… recomm, recommation?"

"recommendation," Koby grumbled, "and like they'll believe the word of a pirate."

"err, my gramps is a marine, I'll send him a personal letter after we escape. He's a grumpy senile old idiot and nobody listens to him, but he'll take you on as an apprentice."

"and you want to be a pirate," Koby groaned, "why do you want to be a pirate if you've got family in the marines."

"because gramps is a grumpy old idiot with dementia."

"you an idiot,"

"Shishishi~, my names Luffy. Want to help me escape?"

"No," Koby answered, and then he got hit in the head by a grinning Luffy.

"Shishishi… don't worry I'll beat anyone that tries to stop us, I just need a way onto that ship."

"I'm going to die."

"Shishishi! But maybe you'll get to die a marine," Luffy said with relish, and what passed as an intelligent glint to the pirate in the straw hat.

It would be a week until the pirates under Alvida managed to sweep her around to going pirating that Luffy and Koby could execute their poorly planned idea. For that week Koby was stuck shepherding Luffy's odd, stupid and idiotic idea's into a workable solution. By the end of the week long torture Koby was more interested in getting rid of Luffy then escaping. The plan as such involved introducing Luffy into the echelon's of the pirates, minimizing his contact with the civilian worker's that Luffy had supposedly risen from.

Luffy had a different approach to Koby's introductions to the Alvida Pirates, and so whenever Koby's gentle handling to land themselves as a part of the crew Luffy would draw himself back on good old reliable diplomacy. Punting, smashing and generally terrorizing anyone that disagreed with Luffy's presence and the presence of his personal cabin boy. Alvida was particularly enthused with how much gusto Luffy and several other recent acquisitions were showing.

All of this was a glaringly obvious cover for the excruxiatingly bad attempts at sabotage that took place behind closed door's ans Luffy and Koby stumbled over each other in their attempts. Causing the two of them to become thoroughly sick of each other.

Finally, when the Alvida Pirates set sail, Luffy and Koby followed them aboard and Koby's hope that his managing of Luffy would lessen was proven false. As now, with fulltime access to a ship of thirty of Alvida's Pirates Luffy decided to begin his next phase of his badly handled plan. Beginning with a devastating terror campaign onboard, cultivating the shear fear and terror in the pirates with the disappearance of crew members.

Luckily Koby managed to convince the other pirates that the gluttonous blob stealing all the food had followed them aboard, and thus it was imperative that the disappearances and sabotage be kept from Alvida. The only smart one among the thirty. Every day members were thrown overboard, falsely smashed under maces and generally harassed. Disturbingly Koby noted that most of the money, jewelry and anything of noteworthy value was sequestered away into a single massive pile. Which Koby and Luffy had huge blow up's which worsened their already fracturing alliance.

All the while Alvida and Luffy bonded over their common love of food.

Two weeks in, Alvida blissfully unaware of anything taking place aboard, Alvida's Beauty began firing upon a luxury liner they had found. By this time, the crew had been halved, and the remaining crew were growing tenser and tenser each partied day would have fell upon the poor defenseless ship if not for the main mast of the ship breaking clean in two.

Everyone on board stared at the elongated foot that perched itself in air, held their for a moment as the splinters of the mast settled around it. something in the air seemed to break as the mast tipped over across the deck.

The first voice to break the silence was an enraged scream, a "LUUUUFFFYY," shouted at the top of Alvida's lungs that seemed to sent silent whimpers down the stressed crew.

"Shishishi," Luffy giggled, "sorry fatty, but I'm going to be sinking you're ship now!"

"You stupid, idioitic moron! I'm going to smash you into little red paste!" the enraged Alvida shouted, leaping forward to smash her mace into where Luffy had been a moment before.

"Shishishishi, like I'd be caught by your massive carcass!"

"I'm going to kill you!" and with a massive thrust Alvida carved through the gun deck as Luffy leaped over, laughing wildly and clutching his hat to his head.

"Kill you, gut you, pulverize you flat to paste!"

The mace went through the other half of the gun deck, and the boat groaned, swaying in the water.

"Why are you doing this!" she yelled, hefting her Mace in her hand, glaring at the straw.

"Shishishishi," Luffy laughed, "no particular reason," he said, "me and Koby just thought you're a stupid fat old whale."

"LUUFFFFYYY!"

"Koby you miserable little shit I'm going to skin you alive when I get you -," she yelled, Jumping at the boy who had been keeping far back from the fight.

But Alvida, despite her massive bulk, could jump from one side of the ship to another, and mace raised over head, the pirate leapt at the boy as Koby shouted in panic.

Only to clash at the height of her leap by an outstretched fist embedded in her face, smashing back and into the Forecastle structure. Collapsing in a angry lump against the foremast. Spitting a furious bewilderment at the impposibly large fist. That had only retracted when from Alvida's face when it was unable to smash through the trunk of wood that made the foremast.

"you're a devil fruit user!" Alvida snarled, narrowed eyes as she pushed to her feet and out of the ruins of the forecastle wall. "Who are you, a bounty hunter?"

"Shishishi," laughed Luffy, "I'm a rubber man," he laughed bearing a full grin, "and I ain't no bounty Hunter."

"bullshit," growled Alvida, "what's your real name, Free, Thorson, Chapman left for Paradise a few years ago." A gleeful glint entered her eyes, "Roronoa,"

"Captain Roronoa got captured by the marines a few weeks ago!"

"SHUT UP," Alvida shouted back.

"Shishishishi," laughed Luffy, "I'm a pirate."

"Oi, a pirate," shouted Alvida, "then why'd you attack me you shitty little deserter."

"because I'm going to be King of the Pirates," Luffy yelled, "and because you're a shitty pirate."

"you, the King," laughed Alvida, "you're not going to be getting off this boat you shitty little upstart, I'm going to bash your head –"

Luffy punched her again, "I don't think big fat whale's like you can say anything about who's going to be King," his fist retracted, "now, I'm going to smash you into a bloody pulp, sink the ship, and steal all your gold."

"IF YOU LAY A SINGLE FINGER ON MY GOLD, I'M GOING TO BREAK MY FIST UPSIDE YOUR SKULL!" shouted a girl from the deck of the civilian vessel.

The girl, with short red hair, and a bag lugged over her shoulder looked like very out of place amongst the crowd of ocean goer's who had been watching forgotten as Luffy and Alvida pummeled each other. The girl too, seemed to have been forgotten, and clamped a hand over her hair in a panic when she realized what she shouted.

"Nami," growled Alvida, "what are you doing over their," hot air snorted angrily from her nostril's. "what's in that bag."

Nami shook her head, laughing weakly, "nothing."

"nothing" snorted Alvida, "no, never mind, I'll just smash you anyway!" with that, she leapt, straight at Nami and blitzing through the crowded deck of the Cruise Liner. Leaving a trail of bowled over men and women, landing with a heavy swing of her hammer that shattered the deck beneath her.

The deck moving and wood flinging away from the impact with Nami as she struck to the side. In the same motion drawing out a collapsed metal staff and assembling it.

With an electric bang Nami smashed it into Alvida, pushing her back a few feet.

"Oh," grunted Alvida, shaking off the hit, "so you do have some fight in you."

"You sniveling little shit," Alvida shouted as she brought her hammer round, sweeping through and splattering the blood of a any civilians between her and her ire.

"Shishishishi," laughed Luffy as Nami backed away from the wild swing, and jumped aboard to join the two, "Gomu Gomu no pistol," he shouted, as an outstretched fist weighed into the fight.

The pistol missed, Alvida falling forward in a leap as the fist smashed clean through the deck behind her.

"Come here you stupid little dipshit," she shouted, and then her smashed into Luffy, the huge instrument as long as Luffy smashing and distorting into him with all the force of a brick wall. "Great Bone Crushing Smash!"

Sending Luffy flying back into the pirate's ship, bounding off and then into the furthest railings. Only for Nami to strike with all the speed of a dagger, "thousand berry Shock!" and somehow, Alvida was sent headfirst into the cruiser's quarterdeck. Yellow lightning lighting the journey.

"you should pay more attention to me you hag," shouted Nami. And then she turned to Luffy, who was propping himself up against the railing with little swirling birds circling his head. "And you," Nami growled.

Pointing her Bo Staff straight at him, Nami intoned, "10,000 Berry Volt," and lightning lept between the gap of the two, electrifying Luffy.

Only for him to stare oddly at her, waiting for the attack to work.

"Oi Nami, I think you're stick's broken."

"No it's not you stupid filthy pirate!"

"Shishishishi," laughed Luffy, "Oi, join my crew!"

"Not for a billion Berry," she cursed.

And then Alvida lept forth with a roar, striking Nami's head against her mace with a shout of "Brick Crushing Smash!" sending nami flipped end of end into the Forecastle of the Cruiser.

Only for Luffy to strike out with a kick at Alvida, pushing Alvida back as she grabbed hold of the limb. Using the limb to fling Luffy into Nami. Who until then had slowly stumbling out of the rubble groaned as Luffy smashing into her and pushed her further into the rubble?

"10,000 berry shock!" Nami shouted, and this time Luffy was punted back and out of the whole, and Alvida smashed him into the deck with another roar of "Bone Crushing Smash."

Luffy groaned, then leapt away from Alvida as she rose her staff for another swing.

Free of the two, Luffy let out a few ragged breaths, watching the other two as they did the same, before he shouted, "Gumo Gumo no Bazooka," he shouted, as the other two shouted " 10,000 Berry Volt," and "Brick Crushing Smash."

And the three attacks collided, dominating for supremacy. Only, Nami had realized why her first attack hadn't effected Luffy, and had dedicated her next one fully towards Alvida. Quickly breaking through Alvida's attack, the two allied attacks smacked into Alvida and sent her reeling into the ocean.

"Shishishishi," laughed Luffy tiredly, huffing with his hands on his knees.

"10,000 Berry Shock," shouted Nami, and from out of Luffy's vision her Bo Staff struck him from the cruiser and into the ruined deck of the Alvida's Beauty.

Groaning, Luffy got himself to his feet, and laughing, said, "how'd you do that?"

"easy, I just have to focus on how much I physically want to emulate your carcass when I kill you!"

"Shishishishi," Luffy laughed, "So now that Alvida's gone, why don't you join my crew. I'll let you keep the gold," he added with incentive.

"I'd rather just kill you!" shouted Nami. And brought her metal staff down for another swing. Only to be met with a loud groan mid swing. Stopping her cold.

"That was the keel, wasn't it," asked Nami

Luffy laughed, "Shishishi, yep!"

As Luffy laughed the Alvida's Beauty groaned again, creaking as wood began to shatter and split, cutting a breaking straight through the middle of the main deck. Heaving in the water in a drunken slosh, gurgling at it began to sink the ship crashed into the Cruise Liner. The Cruise Liner warbling back and tipping dangerously to one side. The bodies, blood, shattered structures and panicked cruiser's sliding and spilling over the side. Ominously a single sack of gold sped over the side, falling and sinking into the depths before the Cruiser rocked back on it's axis.

With a shriek of rage, Nami's staff descended with a shout of "10,000 berry shock," once, twice and a third time rendering Luffy unconscious before Nami ran and jumped head first after bag.

Unconscious it was left to a whimpering Koby to save the future King of Pirates as the Cruiser shuddered in the water, shaking slowly as it too began to list.


End file.
